Aiming to No Longer Please You

I recently saw this posted on Facebook and immediately resonated with it. I’m the poster child for People Pleasers Anonymous. I realize this might come as a surprise to some in my family who don't always find themselves pleased with my behavior, but trust me; I’m a people pleaser extraordinaire.

I aim to please. Sounds like a good thing, right? Sounds like a good thing for a Christian to do, too. Am I right? Well, actually not really (I hope that doesn’t displease you).

Seriously, it really comes down to what’s behind my pleasing. What is motivating me to please others?

I have found that my main motivation to please others is not really about serving them as it is serving my own needs. Basically, my needs boil down to avoiding feelings of rejection. My fear is that if I don’t please—if I don’t comply and adjust to others—then they will reject me.

So I bend over backwards to change so people will accept me and like me. I’ll put my preferences and even my convictions aside in order to please and to keep peace. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember, from telling the lunch lady I love liver and onions so I don’t hurt her feelings to nodding my head in agreement to political opinions that I actually abhor.

But guess what? It hasn’t worked. I still tick people off. I still find myself in disagreements and conflict. Many times, the conflict has only been magnified due to my unwillingness to speak honestly in the beginning. So I figure the healthy thing to do is to start opening up to my own authority and voice and use it to speak truth in love toward others. If I can’t avoid conflict, I should at least do my part at keeping the conflict as healthy and constructive as possible.

I attend Celebrate Recovery at where I have grown in my understanding of my character flaws that have led me to behave in unhealthy ways. I’m grateful to have a safe place every Thursday evening where I can be authentic and transparent—a place where I can speak honestly, knowing that the people in my group will still love the real me. That’s a great place to be.

To view more blogs written by Tom Wideman, visit his site Spiritual Sidekick.com